Yesterday as was driving in my car, a place where I tend to let my mind wander with no direction. I noticed that a few songs that played from my recently downloaded albums featured Forgiveness. My mind settled on this and explored. Reminding me of my own personal journey of Forgiveness. This I will share with you today.
This is by no means a model or timeline that anyone else should follow, everyone has a different experience of the process, and by no means is it an easy ride.
When I first read about Forgiveness and applied it to my loss, my immediate thoughts were drawn to the driver of the car that hit my husband. For me I found this easy to forgive. Don't get me wrong, I got angry at him, after all he was in part responsible for my husbands death. But he did not go out that day intentionally to hurt anyone. He is as much of a victim as everyone else involved that day. So forgiving compassionately felt very simple and freeing. I understand that this is not so easy for other, and I totally understand. I surprised myself in a way, especially as I had friends and family telling me otherwise. However, I followed my heart with this.
So my understanding of forgiveness at the start was that if I could forget the driver then I would be coping well and moving forward. I soon found this to be not quite as straightforward or as neat as I wanted it to be.
I felt a great deal of anger at first… I was angry at everything. Tom, for leaving me with three grieving children, other people for having ‘normal’ lives, the system dealing with the case, you name it, it filled me with rage.
Through allowing this raw anger to be fully present in my body, I could allow it through. I took a lot of Vibrational and Flower Essences, worked with my newly discovered tuning forks and sound, as well as spending time connecting with nature. This helped me to process everything that was currently flooding my system and to assimilate it. This was when I slowly was able to forgive and the freedom I felt was like the gravity was gradually turned down. It was a beautiful process now that I reflect back.
The biggest insight that I gained from this and really my point of this post. Was that I had to truly forgive Myself. I was doing the best with the resources I had, ‘bad’ days are normal, ‘bad’ weeks, months etc, are just fine. There was nothing I could do to change what happened before the accident, no way to redo the silly falling out from the week before, the regret of not doing more together, taking for granted that we had forever to do all the things we wanted to do. I was hold all this and much more as my own blame. A blame I had no need or right to hold against myself. And slowly I forgave. Slowly I began to nurture and love myself again. Through my journey I'd been gathering tools to help me when this wave would inevitably come. I was blessed, supported and held.
So be kind to yourself, nurture, love and most importantly, Forgive. We are in a relationship that will last a lifetime, the one you have with yourself. Love and cherish that person, treat her/him with the same grace and kindness you would treat a loved one in your shoes.
I realised that to embrace my new reality, I needed to embrace the new me and discover who she is. We've been in a relationship for a long while now, strengthened with honest, love and forgiveness.
And do you know what? I really like her….
I hope that you enjoyed this post, I would love to hear how your experiences of Forgiveness. So please feel free to comment or drop me a personal message.
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